My EV: This only goes one direction

A short tale of destruction and disappointment that lead to enlightenment.

By Alex LaVelle, Drive Electric Dayton

The author’s damaged Tesla Model 3 after renting it out

Try this. First find a cat. Now pet it: Front to back, front to back. See? It’s happy! Now go the other way. I’ll sit here and wait while you run to the bathroom to douse your arms and face in Hydrogen Peroxide…Ok, back? Great! Now find a porcupine.

I’ll assume you don’t have a porcupine handy. The cat thing was supposed to be a conceptual exercise, so apologies to anyone who actually tried it. But, we all understand the idea: Cat hair and porcupine quills only go one direction, and there’s pain involved in going backwards. Likewise, humans have technology. We purr when our lives get better and we howl when we have to take a step backwards. As a species, we’re constantly trying to advance from our current state of convenience to a higher one.

Don’t believe me?

Remember that time your smartphone was smashed or fell in the pool? Did you get a flip phone? Did you get a wireless home phone, or a corded phone, or a rotary phone? No, I’m guessing you did what any rational human would do: You went out the same or next day and you bought a smartphone that was as good or better.  

I have had a Tesla Model 3 for just over a year now. At the time of writing, I’ve given 72 test drives and rented it out 24 times. I’ve seen the forlorn faces of renters and drivers staring longingly at Teslannex as their experience comes to an end and they have to go back to their gas car. They’ve only been tech-forward for an hour or a few days, and yet it hurts them to take a step back. Even people who haven’t driven my car say, “Wow, you got a Tesla. Bet you can’t go back, huh?” No, actually, I can’t.

My last renter was driving in bad weather when another car hydroplaned and hit him. Everyone was fine, but the entire driver’s side of the car was torn to pieces, taking months to repair. The insurance set me up with a rental in the meantime. It’s a fine car: A Hyundai-something-something-not-a-Tesla. 

I don’t want to come off as a Tesla elitist (apologies to the non-Tesla EV owners), but the difference in experience between my Tesla and the rental car is just SO night-and-day. I’m instantly reminded of what driving used to be like just a year ago. The not-a-Tesla is new and has a trillion buttons, yet it feels like a hand-me down from Fred Flintstone. It accelerates like a fat walrus running uphill with a backpack full of rocks. It does have a sport mode though... which removes half of the rocks from the Walrus’ backpack.

It’s loud.

Yes loud. Handles poorly. Steering, accelerating, braking are delayed. It shifts gears. I have to use a key. It doesn’t have movies or games. I have to buy gasoline. It doesn’t even drive itself.

I know what you’re thinking: “First world Problems” or “Aww, boo-hoo! Snowflake here lost his Tesla for a few weeks”. To the contrary, my military career has taken me to some very inconvenient places for inconvenient lengths of time, so don’t worry, I’ll cope. I’m just observing the natural feelings that come to me on account of being human. I no longer want to go shopping, go on a road trip, or do any driving at all. Driving has returned to its former, lesser state: from pastime to chore. If you don’t understand because you own a gas car, trade it for two horses and a carriage and see how you feel.

But here’s the enlightenment part. If I can’t go back to an ICE car, then I know my electric brethren and sistren can’t either. So, when I hear things like “Electric cars are only 3% of the market”, people misinterpret that as EV’s being a niche market. False. That’s 3% of people who have crossed the chasm from a lower state to a higher one. We are permanently removed from that product. We can’t go back. This only goes one direction.